if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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