Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
