I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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