apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
