Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
