I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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