If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
