She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
