i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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