Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
