Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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