It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
