Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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