Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
