I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
