For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
