somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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