My liver just broke up with me...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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