Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
