i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
