Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
