thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
