If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
