You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
