I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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