i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
