Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
