I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
