Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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