They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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