Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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