I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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