there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You dont lie about slip and slides
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
