just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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