The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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