Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
