You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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