the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
