i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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