My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
