Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
