Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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