i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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