Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
