dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
