Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
