i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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