if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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