If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
