We're facebook friends in real life
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
