i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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