Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
