Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
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