Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
