Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
