um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
